Psychologists Kerry Has Seen Refer to Problem as “Psychosomatic”
By Aubergine Stump
“Do you even, I mean, do you know how many hands I’ve had to shake?” said embattled Secretary of State John Kerry at a recent gala event celebrating the highly endangered Mongolian Shrew. “Thousands. No, millions of thousands.”
These remarks come as sharp criticism is being leveled at the Secretary of State for “forgetting how to shake hands properly,” as right-wing sites and pundits claim is evidenced by recent photos and videos of Kerry performing “lame” and “laughably terrible” handshakes.
“Sometimes,” crowed one writer at Fox News, “he can’t seem to shake hands at all! His arm is just there—awkwardly extended, trembling with fear, and not even close to the hand it’s supposed to be shaking.”
The article concluded, “Is this the final straw for Kerry?”
Kerry’s answer is a vehement “No!”
“I may not be able to shake hands, but I can still hug my fellow Americans. And isn’t that so much more important?” But confidence notwithstanding, the Secretary shows private doubts.
“I have trouble remember which handed I am—right or left?” Under his breath, the politician mutters, “Both are worn out, so tired, so aching …
“In Vietnam, we didn’t have to shake hands. We saluted. That was simple.” Kerry went on to detail several unrelated exploits of a colorful nature that took place in the tropical jungles, but we don’t have space for all that.
Escaping the tumult sometimes finds Kerry cycling down forgotten roads and what some would call “dangerous” mountain trails or yachting in his new $7 million cruiser off of Rhode Island.
“I don’t know; I don’t know if it’s age or what. But,” he said in what sounded like a plea, “I do know I never want to see another eager, sweaty, grasping hand again.”